OK ok. This is the (first) post I made to the Porn Battle. I thought it was weird crack, but people liked it. So, wtf, I'm gonna post it here. And then I will curl up and die of shame, because I have so *hideously* abused an iconic, historic folk song from the USA, as well as written song-fic (which, to me, is just one shy step above writing a mary-sue).



Title: Hammer Time
Horror level at writing this: HIGH



Fresh out of the shower, he stood before his full length mirror, admiring his body. God, he was buff. So very hot.

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning

And what a morning it was, to be alive, and the defender of the city! He turned side to side, looking at himself from all the angles. Wow, was his ass awesome or what?

I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land

He ran his hands down his chest, stopping for just a minute on his nipples. Oooh, he liked that. When he'd see Penny that evening he'd have to remind her just how much he liked having his nipples tweaked.

I'd hammer out danger, I'd hammer out a warning

Moving lower, his hands reached his hardening penis. He grabbed it firmly, rubbing just right. Sex with a woman was great, but there was something about touching your own perfect body in just the right perfect way. A way nobody else could ever get so... perfect.

I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters

As his orgasm hit, it also hit him that it was just like his love for his city. And himself. Because he was the protector of the city. Such wonderful love.

All over this land

Well. It was all over his hand. Close enough, he thought with a shrug, and reached for his clothes. Time for another day of crime-fighting.




With huge apologies to Pete Seeger and Lee Hays, who are probably spinning in their graves at 3200 RPM. Oh my god, I'm going to HELL.



Horrifically: for the Fluff/Comedy, Short, and PWP categories.